sometimes i need warmth, sometimes the covers are too hot, sometimes i want hot tea, other days i cant go without a drop of iced brewed. My fingers are fiery and they're cold. My thoughts race, and they race into stillness. My curls are messy, and my lips are full. The pain in my stomach makes me toss and turn until I'm breaking into fits of laughter because that is all that there is left to feel. As complex as the curves, ins, outs, and turns, as you may think that i may be, i lay my head in hopes of me, in hopes of you, in hopes of life as full, and love as lasting, as there could be.
Tonight i'm the only one left here to tend to my good nights and good mornings. My eyes, halfway closed, my ears fully open, my dreams steadily leaping. I cant try to say more than what my transparency is saying. I can't give more of my world away, than every single step i take with closed eyes into yours.
If i got caught up, i could be risking it all. All i really want to do is love you, but i still can't say it, even after all we've been through, but i won't be so bold, as to ask you to hold my heart in your hands, and i won't dare say a word, for fear of running out of blood to spill and tears to shed. Contradictions.
What a beautiful mess this is.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
i understand
i left covered in rain, and drove through the fog. Should have just stayed home i said. But what the hell. I can always use a good laugh. Got to the movie theater and sat amidst all coupled twosomes. Damn, it is friday night after all. Whatever, no one will mind me in a bit. In a while my laugh will just blend with the rest. The story was funny, it was witty, it was hilarious, and painfully close to my heart as i came to discover. Run, fat boy, run. I’m rooting for you! that even though life is and has been what it is, you reach the happiness you’ve so fervently worked for. Isn’t it true? that if you work towards something, and you work really hard, that you are sure to earn it?
I took off again in the rain. Half asleep, half smiling, half wanting to cry ... i know, too many halfs. You can only fit so much into one heart before it explodes and collapses on its own. You can only have so many hopes, so many dreams, so many hard days, so many cries, before you can’t take anything anymore and every step seems like a mile.
Got home. Brushed teeth, kissed baby boy. Layed in bed wondering about the miles ahead. Maybe i’m just a fervent optimist. Maybe i don’t know how to tune emotions out. Maybe i’m a freak for truly enjoying home made lemonade to its last drop, forgetting any other worry while it runs through my all. All i know is that regardless of the hard times, i continue to push forward, grow stronger, love harder, learn faster, and challenge everyone that won’t believe what i carry in my heart. I’m an unstopable force, sometimes a tide, sometimes a storm. Never mediocre rain though. Or tepid water.
I don’t always get what i want, i know. The world doesn’t revolve around me, i understand. Life isn’t fair, i’ve learned. And with the utmost respect for myself, and for you, i have learned patience, understanding, and the true meaning of love.
I lay in bed again, smiling at the future. Tomorrow? Who knows what may come. My happiness resides in me, and not in the circumstances. I am a warrior, not a victim. And i do not know how to give up. I will smile as long as it takes ...
I took off again in the rain. Half asleep, half smiling, half wanting to cry ... i know, too many halfs. You can only fit so much into one heart before it explodes and collapses on its own. You can only have so many hopes, so many dreams, so many hard days, so many cries, before you can’t take anything anymore and every step seems like a mile.
Got home. Brushed teeth, kissed baby boy. Layed in bed wondering about the miles ahead. Maybe i’m just a fervent optimist. Maybe i don’t know how to tune emotions out. Maybe i’m a freak for truly enjoying home made lemonade to its last drop, forgetting any other worry while it runs through my all. All i know is that regardless of the hard times, i continue to push forward, grow stronger, love harder, learn faster, and challenge everyone that won’t believe what i carry in my heart. I’m an unstopable force, sometimes a tide, sometimes a storm. Never mediocre rain though. Or tepid water.
I don’t always get what i want, i know. The world doesn’t revolve around me, i understand. Life isn’t fair, i’ve learned. And with the utmost respect for myself, and for you, i have learned patience, understanding, and the true meaning of love.
I lay in bed again, smiling at the future. Tomorrow? Who knows what may come. My happiness resides in me, and not in the circumstances. I am a warrior, not a victim. And i do not know how to give up. I will smile as long as it takes ...
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