this is not a quarter life crisis

I don't mean to go all deepak chopra on you. But what is it really that we are striving for? After food and shelter have been met ... i guess it isn't really a humanity question, as much as it is an individual one. Most would say happiness. Some would say success, accomplishment, money. Because happiness looks and feels different for everyone. Some people spend their entire lives studying the japanese giant squid, and when, by a struck of both luck an genius, they finally are able to catch the myth on film, there are more questions posed than have been answered. Some want to have a great marriage and parent their kids as best as possible. Some dream of backpacking thru europe. Others become performing artists. For some, their happiness lies in writing and publishing books.

There isn't a clear cut answer for everyone.

I've only spent 26 years trying to figure out what this happiness of mine looks like. It began as an astronauts dream. Then turned into a cinderella fairy tale, where prince charming would find me in my misery and rescue me by placing a glass slipper on my foot. Then i would be university of texas bound. A petroleum engineer. Then a psychologist. A mother in the midst of the corporate ladder and school.

Having a plan, i've been told, is always important. A roadmap. Never mind that the map may get blurry or take you in a completely different direction and leave you dizzier than you could handle. As long as there is a star to follow you'll be ok.

But does it matter in then end?

All i want is to love and be loved. In the end it is all that will matter. After my diplomas and medals have dissolved, and my name has been forgotten, all that there was left is this ever increasing force that shook me to my very core and allowed me to feel so alive i'd get chills knowing a new day had come and it was mine. And i don't want this to change. I don't want my passion for love to be put out by conference calls and customer complaints. My spirit is too fiery to be contained in a 3 by 3 office, surrounded by people that have given up their souls for a paycheck and some health insurance.

Wouldn't we be better off if all this love could fuel it all, and mend it all, and warm it all, and let it all just be as it should?

Somedays i wake up and i want to move, and get completely lost in this. But alas rationale speaks and i continue to make the numb drive back to my office and conference calls. Though i still know that even though i stress and i worry, none of it will matter. Nothing but this love.