is anybody listening out there?

They say it will come when you least expect it. When you're not even looking. All of a sudden, some creature I'm beggining to think of as mythical, will swoop down from the heavens and whisk me away to a happily ever after. If you're already gagging, I am with you. Little girls grow up with snow white, and cinderella. And dear god help us, if these tales of knights in shinning armors have not caused enough sadness and dissapointment at the harsh reality. There are no princes out there. And we are not to be queens of anything either. Let me explain.

Relationships are just like human beings. Weird, complicated, sometimes dissapointing, happy, sad, funny, scary things. I am fast approaching 30, and the pressure to be married by society at that age is tremendous. We are supossed to be looking for that husband in our 20's. Accomplished home makers and child bearers by our 30's. And sexy cougars in our 40's. If and when we fall out of this time table, people throw their hands up in the air like its the end of the world. A woman bearing a child in her 40's is just as bad as a 16 year old that's pregnant. Totally outside of this self imposed time table we are to follow.

Well ... if you do look for someone to be in a relationship with, then you are percieved as desperate, and too eager. If you don't look for anyone, then you're never going to get married, will be an old maid, misery will follow, and you will die alone. And if you fall somewhere in the middle, you will be exposed to an extensive string of potential partners, that leaves you desiring you had stayed home and watched that greys anatomy episode, instead of spent time w someone that couldn't carry a conversation unless it had to do with themselves.

Honestly, dear concerned friends, I know that you were once like me. That you thought marriage was not for you, and that no one in their right minds would love your neurosis, and put up w your shit. But then he came into your life, and now you have agreed to spend eternity arguing about the yard, the kids, the finances. And life is grand because you did find him, and he kills the bugs in the house, and warms up your cold bed. I'm not saying marriage is for me, or it is not for me. There are very few people in my life that I have met, that I can actually say that I would love to see them every day, and spend time with every day, and share dinner with every day. Even I need breaks from my closest friends and so do they from me.

I say all this, to say ... please stop worrying about my marital status. Stop trying to fix me up. Stop telling me about how mary and joe met on eharmony, match.com, craiglist, and now are so blisfully happy, that their auras are blinding. I really am ok if no one ever says I do to me. My happiness doesn't rest on a wedding band, or a puffy dress, or a name change. God has blessed me with a loving family, wonderful friends, and the most amazing child that I could have possibly dreamt of. I know you worry that I will never be finantially stable on one income, or that no one ever carries the groceries in for me, or washes my car, or mows the yard. I know that you worry that I am lonely, and that I will spend the rest of my life alone. Well ... I do get lonely sometimes, but I do have you wonderful people in my life so I am never alone.

Quit worrying. My life is swell, and I am thankful for every blessing. And I'm not worried, everything is going to happen just as it should. It has all worked out thus far ....

in security

Every day I'm hopeful that what we have between us continues to grow. Every day I wake up in love. Wanting to shout from the tops of the hills just how good it feels to finally let my feelings be. Every night I go to bed praying once again for your happiness, and for mine, and for ours together, or for ours separate. Whichever we are meant to have. I can't see six months ahead. But from my rearview mirror hang the broken pieces I will never be able to put together again. I have this string tugging at my heart. Because at any second this wonderful feeling can be yanked from underneath me. And leave me just as quickly as it came before. The insecurity and uncertainty of where our hearts will go and if we'll choose to follow tears at me most days. I try not to let it. Carpe diem my love. You are here in my arms today. And today I will kiss your sweet lips and allow my feelings to spill on your chest and draw paintings of smiles and laughter with the memories that we've already made. I've taken 12 months five times over to get ttto know you, and get to know us, and get to know him, and get to know me. I've grown and adjusted. I've conquered and survivved. I've miserably failed, and made mistakes, and tried again. And in all, all I know is that I'm happiest when I can be all of me with you near. And I don't ever want it to go away. But I already know how it feels when it does and I pray that it won't. Unselfishly I pray ... in securely I sleep. In this silence I impatiently wait

3 years old

My beautiful boy is turning 3 years old! I can't believe i'm a parent to this amazing wonderful child. He's changed my life forever, and continues to change it every day. One of his hugs, one of his smiles ... the excitement in his voice when he answers the door after my long day at work. His lil kissess and hugs, and hilarious and observant remarks. Everything about this gifted boy is amazing. Even his sleepy tantrums over hot dogs and eggs. And his obsession with sponge bob square pants (whom i've grown to love).

Three years of growing up for both of us. Three wonderful years as a family. Three unbeliavable years of sacrifice and laughter. Three years of tiny feet and swimming lessons, and bath time, and bedtime stories, and monsters in the backyard, and silly faces.

My my my. Three years of falling in love every single day. I hope everyone gets to be this lucky. I look forward to every second of his smiles to come. I can't ask for life to be much better than this.

instant inspiration

How joyful to be together, alone
as when we first were joined
in our little house by the river
long ago, except that now we know
each other, as we did not then;
and now instead of two stories fumbling
to meet, we belong to one story
that the two, joining, made. And now
we touch each other with the tenderness
of mortals who know themselves.

not helpful

If i learned anything from Randy Pausch is that if anyone says anything or if any event happens in your life, and there isn't anything of value to take from it THEN IT IS NOT HELPFUL and as such, it should be dismissed. It's like eating a bag of cheetos. Zero nutritional value to your body and therefore not helpful! Thinking and re thinking an unkind comment someone has made is not helpful. I know i keep repeating myself, but honestly ...

Humanity isn't black and white. Emotion isn't either. My happiness will never mirror yours (and thank God for that). But if you are indeed happy with the way things are, then i will be happy for you. Making shitty comments will not make you feel better, will not make me feel better, and will ultimately not change anything, or help you in any way.

Life is too good love, too short, too amazing, to allow anyone to bring you down and take away any piece of you that remains happy and whole. It's taken a long time to know the difference. Becoming better for yourself is a daily struggle. But every step you take towards it, makes a mile of difference. So go live your life and be happy. There really aren't any secrets. It's all in what you focus on. The good stuff ... the things you can change, the things that you can affect, and the things that make everything better.

my love is made of dreams

taken from Mr. Jason Mraz, wonderful human being

"I use a strip of black and white photo booth pictures of you and i as a bookmark thru various reads. You sleep with pulitzer and i sleep alone."

Why am i so intrigued by experiencing this type of love? This intoxicating, exhilirating, happy, refreshing, positive, chills and butterflies, kind of love?

Would it be the same to be with someone that comes home and barely says two words? Would it be too much to be with someone that leaves you post it notes on the bathroom mirror because they love you?

Does the novelty of each other wear off? Or do people in long lasting relationships still find time to make each other feel so incredibly amazing when they hold hands and kiss?

I have too many questions, and i have no answers.

Only time knows.