In the wake of tragedy

It's the sunniest day of summer. I am standing in front of the ocean. It plays with my feet. The water and the sand feel too good to deny, so i let them mix and mingle in between my toes. God knows there aren't very many things that feel much better than this moment right here. The waves are picking up, the sun is coming down, but i feel too damn good to notice. I'm indulging for once. Not in my character to do ... but when it feels so good, how can you help it? And then the waves move suddenly and knock me on my knees. Before i am able to catch a breath of air, i swallow a pool of salt water. My lungs are burning. I'm confused and terrifed. I'm in a whirpool of misty waters and the sand that so playfully caressed my feet is now making its way inside my nose.

How did this happen? How did i miss it? Could i have been too distracted with my own thoughts? Was i too preocupied with the lives of others to see my own in focus?

It always happens slowly. And then quickly.

By the time my body aches, and i can barely keep my eyes open past ten, i know. When all i've eaten is a slice of cheese, and a bottle of water, and i am fully satisfied i know. I take more than an arms lenght worth of distance. I become more pensive than usual. I crave sleep like a pregnant woman craves ice cream. And for a little while, i give in, because i know.

There is no use in denying what i feel. Whenever i try to pretend, i try to forget, i try to become, it gets worse than it needs to be. I'm a terrible actress. I can't carry a smile when i'm not in the mood to smile. It comes in handy because i'm real ... but it's not useful when i want to hide my feelings. There's no need to be ashamed though. Even when people around me make me feel like i should be. There's no shame in feeling sad, is there?

Life has its ups, and its downs, and we couldn't possibly hold a high note for eternity. Nothing is immnovable and unchangeable eternally.

So on this note ... i'm going to lay in my bed and allow the water to continue to burn my lungs. Not forever. Just for a while.

one million pieces

Heartbreak

The first time you broke my heart I was completely blindsighted. As if a mack truck hit me in slow motion, I saw my heart leap from my body when you spoke the words "I am breaking up with you". It literally knocked the wind out of my lungs. I barely remember saying something to the effect of "please don't do this, please don't go, I don't know what I did but I will fix it." Like a million tiny pieces you left my heart scatered across the universe I knew. I remember crying only untill I blacked out from exhaustion, only to cry my way into work, and keep the tears at bay from the lattes. I had never felt such a tremendous ammount of pain combined. It was phisical, emotional, spiritual agony. It has changed my life forever, and it will never leave me.

The second time you broke my heart felt like a surgical suture ripping into jagged edges. One thousand of the pieces I had been able to glue together dissapeared, blown away into smitherines. I held onto my belly, and I promised the baby that I would do the very best I could to get thru this, and love him as much as I was capable of.

The third time you broke my heart came as no surprise. One hundred dents in the left side of my chest will never stop bleeding. But as expected, I dealt with the known and recognizable emotions. Sadness, anger, fear, loneliness. Almost like a bad roller coaster, always knowing which turn was coming, expecting the one that makes my jaw clench and my neck hurt.

The subsequent times you've broken my heart find me in a different situation. If there isn't anything left to break ... then how am I supossed to feel? This must be what its like to be dead. It isn't necesarily a bad thing. I'd rather feel nothing than go thru the same draining cycle of emotions. Its exhausting just to think about. So I shrug my shoulders, blame myself for the stupidity of following the same broken compass that consistenly leads me here, and curl up in my bed waiting for tomorrow.

I still can't decide which outcome is the better.

lets play pretend

I'm falling asleep. My brain seems to wander ... bills that had to be paid, laundry, work tasks lists .... its almots like its trying really hard to keep you out. As my eyes have a harder time to focus, you come to me full screen. We are sittiing on a couch. Its xmas day. I am too nervous. I am wearing the nicest family clothes I own. Bold as sunrise, I say to your mother when she asks, how do you feel about my son? "I love him. I love him with all of my heart. I love him truly, completely, solely". I cannot forget the look on her face. Years later, with my own son in my arms, I would come to understand. She loves you much more than you know. She wants you to be better @ everything. Much better than she was. She wants you to be happy. She wants you to be loved unconditionally always and forever.



Today, I have know of your existance for the last six years of my life. And for the last six years I have known this to be true:

I love you
I love you so very much
I am so so so very sorry
For anything I've done wrong
For anything I have said or done,
That has ever hurt you,
In any way, shape or form.
Every day
I think of you.
Every night
I think of you.
My heart is so full
For the love within me cannot subside.
I have loved before
But never so purely, intensely, truly.
Every second spent with you is magic.
Every day we spend apart is agony.

I say all of this, to say to this world. Thay life is too short, and blessings too scarce, and soulmates too unreal, to not live every minute as honestly as you can today.

I say all of this to say ... that I love you, regardless of anything, this much is true. That I need and miss ypu. That I am worthy, and deserve you. And that I still have so much hope left on me. So much more thab anyone thibks.

is anybody listening out there?

They say it will come when you least expect it. When you're not even looking. All of a sudden, some creature I'm beggining to think of as mythical, will swoop down from the heavens and whisk me away to a happily ever after. If you're already gagging, I am with you. Little girls grow up with snow white, and cinderella. And dear god help us, if these tales of knights in shinning armors have not caused enough sadness and dissapointment at the harsh reality. There are no princes out there. And we are not to be queens of anything either. Let me explain.

Relationships are just like human beings. Weird, complicated, sometimes dissapointing, happy, sad, funny, scary things. I am fast approaching 30, and the pressure to be married by society at that age is tremendous. We are supossed to be looking for that husband in our 20's. Accomplished home makers and child bearers by our 30's. And sexy cougars in our 40's. If and when we fall out of this time table, people throw their hands up in the air like its the end of the world. A woman bearing a child in her 40's is just as bad as a 16 year old that's pregnant. Totally outside of this self imposed time table we are to follow.

Well ... if you do look for someone to be in a relationship with, then you are percieved as desperate, and too eager. If you don't look for anyone, then you're never going to get married, will be an old maid, misery will follow, and you will die alone. And if you fall somewhere in the middle, you will be exposed to an extensive string of potential partners, that leaves you desiring you had stayed home and watched that greys anatomy episode, instead of spent time w someone that couldn't carry a conversation unless it had to do with themselves.

Honestly, dear concerned friends, I know that you were once like me. That you thought marriage was not for you, and that no one in their right minds would love your neurosis, and put up w your shit. But then he came into your life, and now you have agreed to spend eternity arguing about the yard, the kids, the finances. And life is grand because you did find him, and he kills the bugs in the house, and warms up your cold bed. I'm not saying marriage is for me, or it is not for me. There are very few people in my life that I have met, that I can actually say that I would love to see them every day, and spend time with every day, and share dinner with every day. Even I need breaks from my closest friends and so do they from me.

I say all this, to say ... please stop worrying about my marital status. Stop trying to fix me up. Stop telling me about how mary and joe met on eharmony, match.com, craiglist, and now are so blisfully happy, that their auras are blinding. I really am ok if no one ever says I do to me. My happiness doesn't rest on a wedding band, or a puffy dress, or a name change. God has blessed me with a loving family, wonderful friends, and the most amazing child that I could have possibly dreamt of. I know you worry that I will never be finantially stable on one income, or that no one ever carries the groceries in for me, or washes my car, or mows the yard. I know that you worry that I am lonely, and that I will spend the rest of my life alone. Well ... I do get lonely sometimes, but I do have you wonderful people in my life so I am never alone.

Quit worrying. My life is swell, and I am thankful for every blessing. And I'm not worried, everything is going to happen just as it should. It has all worked out thus far ....

in security

Every day I'm hopeful that what we have between us continues to grow. Every day I wake up in love. Wanting to shout from the tops of the hills just how good it feels to finally let my feelings be. Every night I go to bed praying once again for your happiness, and for mine, and for ours together, or for ours separate. Whichever we are meant to have. I can't see six months ahead. But from my rearview mirror hang the broken pieces I will never be able to put together again. I have this string tugging at my heart. Because at any second this wonderful feeling can be yanked from underneath me. And leave me just as quickly as it came before. The insecurity and uncertainty of where our hearts will go and if we'll choose to follow tears at me most days. I try not to let it. Carpe diem my love. You are here in my arms today. And today I will kiss your sweet lips and allow my feelings to spill on your chest and draw paintings of smiles and laughter with the memories that we've already made. I've taken 12 months five times over to get ttto know you, and get to know us, and get to know him, and get to know me. I've grown and adjusted. I've conquered and survivved. I've miserably failed, and made mistakes, and tried again. And in all, all I know is that I'm happiest when I can be all of me with you near. And I don't ever want it to go away. But I already know how it feels when it does and I pray that it won't. Unselfishly I pray ... in securely I sleep. In this silence I impatiently wait

3 years old

My beautiful boy is turning 3 years old! I can't believe i'm a parent to this amazing wonderful child. He's changed my life forever, and continues to change it every day. One of his hugs, one of his smiles ... the excitement in his voice when he answers the door after my long day at work. His lil kissess and hugs, and hilarious and observant remarks. Everything about this gifted boy is amazing. Even his sleepy tantrums over hot dogs and eggs. And his obsession with sponge bob square pants (whom i've grown to love).

Three years of growing up for both of us. Three wonderful years as a family. Three unbeliavable years of sacrifice and laughter. Three years of tiny feet and swimming lessons, and bath time, and bedtime stories, and monsters in the backyard, and silly faces.

My my my. Three years of falling in love every single day. I hope everyone gets to be this lucky. I look forward to every second of his smiles to come. I can't ask for life to be much better than this.